I got a bit better because we got the robot working, and I got through Wednesday, and even though we are as much in the dark as ever regarding house next steps, I’m back at a point of living with that uncertainty and it no longer feels so acute.

So. Breathe.

Everything still feels a bit like a treadmill going too fast and I feel sure that I’m forgetting and missing out on 20 thousand things, but. Breathe? I can stop for a breath and then keep plodding along at my own pace regardless of how fast the universe appears to have turned up the speed settings on things.

I’m semi-scheduled to run this evening, but it’s dark and dreary by 4:30 and I’m just not sure if I’m going to do it. I don’t want to allow things to fall away or anything like that but  maybe this is the time to be a little gentle with myself too. Then again, I feel so much better when I run. Maybe a compromise? Maybe a shorter run than I’d scheduled for myself? I guess I’ll decide a bit later.

I got distracted looking at schemes of work for my exam classes – and I just did it again there. It’s okay, it’s helping to ground me a little. I’m behind scheme in almost all of my year groups this year. Yes, more so than usual. Why is that? The year’s been a strange one with lots of interruptions within the school and I suppose I less instinctively compensate for those than I do for class interruptions caused by my own absences. Time to apply some pressure in class and pick up the pace with it all.

***

I just feel a bit out of things to say. I know where I am and where I want to step next with a number of things, but I’m not feeling that driving urge to discuss it all and turn it over and examine it all with words. I’m kind of in the mood to just “be” for a while.

Maybe that will pass in a few minutes.

There are some nice events coming up in the near future. The children are having their birthday party in four weeks’ time in Blackrock Castle and a couple of weeks later myself and G. are jetting off for a London mini-break and getting to see the Hamilton musical. I’m really really excited about that. Tickets have been booked for more than a year and it’s just going to be wonderful.

Oops, am I setting myself up for a crash?

Well, the weekend after we get back we’re going to have a Cork celebration of G’s 40th, and then we’re pretty much into the Easter break, so I feel like I’m going to be kept ticking along for the next couple of months.

The Easter break will mark a full solid year alcohol free for me. I suppose that’s assuming I stay away from it between now and then. But that doesn’t even feel like a question anymore. Like, even using that phrase “stay away from” feels misplaced like “so long as I stay away from rat poison” – why wouldn’t I?

All the same, like is weird and the draw of alcohol can be a bit insidious and it can rear its head at unexpected times – maybe even especially at unexpected times. This week I bought a 6-pack of non-alcoholic beers for my fridge. I’ve had about three of them in three days, enjoying that marker of relaxation in the evening. It really works, but then I worry that I’m kind of reinforcing that element of alcohol’s draw.

It works to have some other kind of “grown-up” slightly bitter or sour drink as well, but sparkling and refreshing drinks with cranberry and lime are feeling a little less attractive in these dark winter days. Despite the fact that the alcohol free beers are cold and sparkly too doesn’t see to detract from their appeal though. I guess it’s all just habit.

G. bought me some interesting cordials for Christmas which was a surprise gift and one that I hugely appreciated. I felt seen, I suppose. It was something I hadn’t asked for, but something that was so clearly in line with the me of this moment. It was one of my favourite presents (yes, even in relation to my awesome Apple Watch!).

Unfortunately they’ve turned out to be a little sweeter than ideal for hitting the “adult drink” target, but they’re still delicious and appreciated.

Anyway, nothing urgent feeling today. Just keeping on like a bird that flew.

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