An unexpected good mood this morning. Here’s some stuff that’s going on:

  • Sleep. I stole a lie-in this morning. G. was trying to steal one too, but my sleep-fu was stronger. He still got a “rest” but that’s not quite the same thing, so his turn tomorrow.
    I was really really tired though – more than I had actually realised, so a long night of sleep has boosted my mood no end.
  • The weather is not dark and gloomy and rainy. It was supposed to be nothing but rain all weekend, but it’s dry with some patches of actual blue sky which hasn’t been spied in at least a week.
    A few years back I bought a SAD lamp in recognition of the dark days really do affect my mood, but when I was a child and teenager I used to really like the short days. The long darknesses felt secure and concealing – a bit like Nature’s own fort for me. I guess for all my complaints, as a teenager I really didn’t have anything to do other than exist and learn – and a few chores that someone else took the responsibility of determining. What did I have to be depressed about then?! Oh yeah. Agency.
  • The kids are in good form and we’ve nothing planned for the first weekend in ages. I know the weekend is likely to slide out from under me faster than I want it to and I’m going to find myself wondering where it all went come Sunday night, but right now I’m kind of happy to squander the time on relaxing in a tangle of blankets and legs with my (3.5 weeks left being) 4 year olds.
  • We got a small amount of feedback regarding the house. It’s not a lot and nothing’s moving immediately, but we’ve learned that things should be moving in the next week or two. I feel confident that I’ll be swamped with panicked anxiety again before too long, but for now the anxiety beast has been calmed.

That’s probably it for the causes of mood change. I wonder if I’m particularly susceptible to the influences of external forces on my mood, or if everyone’s like this.

I’m still feeling a little disappointed in myself and my motivation for further self-improvement. I’m feeling that old draw towards dropping everything I’ve already got going and starting over. If I could start from the beginning again and get back to this point again then I could feel the burst of joyful progress again. But it would be a lie. I wonder would it even work knowing it’s so artificially constructed. Nah, I think it probably mostly would. But I don’t want to keep running over that same old ground.

Hey, it occurs to me that I am doing something, that I am making progress, in a way, by even just holding this status quo. I have an expectation of continual growth, of seeing daily or hourly improvements, but viewed in a macro sense even just maintaining a status quo for longer than about a week is already improvement.

I suppose I can’t just spend the day glorying in my ability to not let my life descend into complete chaos (or else it will do that very thing) and I should make some kind of plan for what we’ll do today. I’d quite like to take a short run – I can no longer claim to “need” to given that I’m at the start of the year, nearly five months away from the race I’ve signed up to and nowhere near the deadline for 1,018 km. But sometimes the end is made by the start and I don’t want to lose this fitness and I do want to continue to increase it.

I can’t help but want to lose more and more weight. I mean I am still at least a stone overweight despite having lost a fair chunk in the last nine months. For the first time ever since last April, my weight-loss reversed and I gained a few kilos over Christmas. I mean it’s fine. I’m healthy. And it still bothers me. But it sort of bothers me that it bothers me too because it is fine and I am healthy. I’m just still in a bit of “competition mode” with myself and a bit focused on results in one dimension only: the number on the scale.

That’s a really difficult mode of thinking to get out of. I’ll just keep trying. Maybe I’ll get it in another few years.

I just keep hoping that life will be long enough for me to “get” it all.