The intention I set on this morning’s yoga mat was “Calm”. Then I extended it a bit to “Calm Life” with the idea that I wanted to also keep the awareness that I’m alive and present with that calm, not just drift along mindlessly. Then I felt a bit unsure of my decision and spent half the 10-minute session second guessing myself.
Yesterday I got pretty good mileage out of my “Determination” intention. I mean I wasn’t great or anything. Towards the end of the day when I ran out of energy I still succumbed to a bit of mindless snacking. But! It was later in the day, and I’d gotten loads more done than I usually manage in an evening, and I stopped and thought about it for a bit longer than usual. So. Progress, right?!
Then my usual levelling-up mindset wanted a bit more of the same, to push it further and attain attain attain! An instinct told me that would be a bad idea, that would be too much. Because I also felt a bit overwhelmed by waves of anxiety yesterday. Especially around my work.
Going to bed I mentioned to G. that I felt like when I do more work I often get more anxious as I get more aware of the coulds and shoulds and all the stuff that needs to be done in my work. Is all work like this? Do all jobs feel like they could expand to fill your whole life? Maybe it’s more me than the specific jobs.
I may also be getting pulled into a bit of a future vortex surrounding a new course that I’m going to be teaching next year. I’m trying to get my head around what I’ll be teaching and exactly how I’ll be delivering that course within the framework of the school where I work – which machines will run the software I need, etc. etc.
And I’m getting distracted by that again.
There’s a big Robotics competition coming up this Friday and I feel anxious and unprepared about it. It will be just me on my own and I hate the responsibility of being out and about with a group of students, many of whom have been so absent from the class that they probably don’t even realise this event is taking place!
I need to learn to accept and absorb these things that I can’t do anything about. I know what I need to do: get permission-slips signed, print a few pieces of information for the students, ensure one or two small things about the robot and get all my classes prepared for the day. That’s not actually all that hard, and yet it feels overwhelming right now because it’s unknown and out of routine.
There was a time when I used to adore things that were outside of routine. A day like the one coming up would have been the highlight of my week when I was in school or college; everything would have been brimming with possibility and excitement, and I would have gloried in the high of the potential surrounding robots and knowledge and the future.
I guess there’s a good possibility I’ll feel like that once Friday finally comes around and I confirm that the students are all there (this is my fear! Some students go missing and I don’t realise, or I do realise but there’s nothing I can do about it, and even as I write this I realise that again there are systems in place to help me with this: I will be pre-gathering permission slips, I can contact the school – I guess there’s a chance that a student is out this coming Wednesday and misses the information and she turns up at school on Friday. That’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened.)
Anyway, you can see how the anxious over-thoughts are spiralling around in my mind.
I am alive and this is a small thing.
There’s a purpose to this spiralling overthinking, of course there is. I’m trying to make sure I’m prepared. I’m trying to make sure I don’t let something fall through the gaps and fail in my duty of care to this group of teenagers.
I will feel really good when Friday is over.
After the competition I then have a commitment to meet a group of very old friends for a drink /meal. Details are completely unset as yet, and that makes me anxious as well – even though there’s absolutely nothing I’d do different if I knew today vs five minutes before I head out where I’m going.
So. Calm life. Yeah, it’s the right intention for today.