I had a shitty time sleeping last night. I felt fully sick with temperature and dizziness and that horrible “oh god my lungs aren’t okay” feeling when I coughed. I wrote off the whole of today by 3 a.m. without even waiting to see how I would feel today and now that it’s after 10 and I’m actually not feeling much worse than yesterday I feel loathe to readdress it. I feel like I’m already committed – even looking forward – to a recovery day.

The children both climbed into my bed last night and wriggled and demanded milk and made me too hot and pushed me out of the bed. This was definitely a factor in my shitty night’s sleep. I nearly “got up” for a while around three and started writing my words. Instead I put on the All In the Mind podcast from the BBC.

One of the podcasts was talking about (a) The benefits of Therapy and (b) How we shouldn’t actually be trying to change ourselves so much anyway. Okay, that dichotomy was how it was presented but it wasn’t quite as controversial or adversarial as that might sound. The first section (which I was admittedly way more awake for) was just presenting facts around how therapy is actually ridiculously effective at changing people’s personalities, especially when it comes to anxiety and depression. Which is cool and matches with my own personal experience. And also good to know in terms of anyone feeling like “it won’t make any difference anyway”.

Then the second half was actually more about “don’t put yourself under so much pressure to change, rather try and accept the actuality of who you are”.

Yeah, actually getting to do that would be a huge change though, wouldn’t it?

I also found myself thinking about the eating thing a lot as well. I’m running over the same ground there over and over. I guess I definitely have shifted some of my alcohol-drinking behaviours onto food-excess over the past nearly-year. The eating stuff was present anyway so I guess I didn’t really notice the shift. In fact it’s probably even improved quite a bit with the removal of alcohol consumption from my days.

But I’m still not happy about it.

I’m not happy that it feels like I’m not making a choice about my behaviour, or that decisions I make at the start of the day are over-ridden by an exhausted and demanding toddler-self who feels they deserve treats.

I’m not happy that I make a decision about wants and needs that are actually outside of the observable feedback from my body; I got mildly hungry late last night, ate, felt not great and then ate some more. I felt honestly unwell and yet some part of my brain was still considering going out to the kitchen to get yet more food.

The uncomfortably full, even mildly sick feeling is one that’s become so familiar to me that I’m weirdly feeling more uncomfortable when I’m comfortable.

However I’ve come to a decision to stop fighting with myself about it. I’m tired of feeling both nagging and nagged in the back of my head, filling up my skull with shoulds and should nots. I’m going to take a step back and pay attention to how many times a day I ingest things that actually make me feel bad. And in a while I will come back and see if I’m ready to change something about that because it’s become clear to me that right now I’m actually not ready to change. Or I would have done so.

No, honestly I don’t think I’m just abdicating responsibility here. I think I’m making a decision to live a life with less internal conflict.

In other news, we’ve a meeting tomorrow about our house and next steps. So I’m excited about the prospect of change on that front but I am also holding onto a little bit of awareness that it’s going to be more of that jerky stop-start thing where I end up projecting too far into the future and then feeling kind of frustrated when things don’t move as fast in reality as they do in my brain.

Watch this space for a slump coming soon!

You’d think awareness might be enough to stop it happening, but I doubt that’s going to be the case. I’m just so very very anxious to get moving on this whole project. It’s now a year since we started the ball rolling on the whole thing and it feels like nothing much is different.

Watch this space. Slowly changing.

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