It’s party morning and tragedy has struck here chez-RH; only one coffee capsule remains.  I’m actually feeling a little unreasonably cranky about it. I think it’s not the coffee though, it’s what the coffee represents to me in the morning; relaxation and slow boot up whilst I type away here.

In other news the cakes came out kind of awesome. I made the map of the world cake topper on its own and then transferred it to the top of the cake and it looked better off the cake, not all lumpy, but it is still cool and I’m pleased with myself and I kind of feel like I made an art. And yeah, all the ego-stroking from the world hasn’t been horrible either.

It’s easy to get addicted to the praise of others though, for the stuff you create. And then what you’re creating can get polluted. I’ve found sometimes I’ve drawn a thing and I’m so very pleased with it; it’s come close to the vision I had in my brain, or it’s hitting the right aesthetic notes for my tastes, and …. nothing. Released into the wild to the sound of crickets. Then something throwaway gets all the comments and feedback and accolades. So then it’s easy to start to think about “what people like” and trying to create to meet external tastes.

Well pretty easy to guess that never feels good.

And while the ego-stoking and feedback feels good that’s not the why. That would be like if I’d only had children so that I could interact with the world about them, or if I only corrected their behaviour towards what people would think about them. The very concept makes me feel icky.

Does it mean I oughtn’t share stuff so? Would that be the way to keep things “pure”? Well, I kinda don’t give a shit about keeping things pure either. All of that is just world-labels and drawn as I am to caring what people thinking, in the end I do know that’s not where the real pleasure lies. I only find that when I engage in “translation” – getting something that’s in my mind and bringing it into the real in as close to imagined form as possible.

I guess that’s what G. does with his words, what I attempt to do with pictures sometimes, what can even take place in baking a cake. Hey, maybe that’s even why I like maths so much! You can look and see the potential of a true, and then you can line up the logic just so and it creates this beautiful dreamscape arrow that points to the true like a lit-up path.

Art and words (and cake?) maybe all try to do the same thing. You have a feeling or an image and you want to line thing up – sentences or marks on paper (or sugar?) – to lead someone along a path and help them have that feeling too. Okay, maybe cake is not quite keeping up amongst this company now. Probably music does this too, but I never really studied music so I don’t have that instinctive feeling for it.

***

Now the day is beautiful and sunny, blue skies scattered with white clouds. Everything looks sharp and in focus, and there’s birdsong in the air and the starting scent of Spring flowers coming into bloom.

But I feel a little foggy all the same. My sleep tank is bit running on fumes and tea is not filling the caffeine gap in my bloodstream. I’ve been (mildly) chastising myself since September about my caffeine intake and now look where I am; so thoroughly addicted that I can’t even boot up in the morning without a shot of the strong stuff.

I don’t feel like I have the will to really change that right now though. It’s hard for me to even think what I’d replace it with. But coffee is problematic even outside its effects on my body system (and I blame it at least in part for some skin issues I’ve been experiencing recently too). I read briefly about yet more crappy screw-the-poorest actions that have been taken by the Nestle corporation just last night. Apparently they’ve teamed up with Coca-Cola to privatise some clean water supplies in South America. That’s really fucked up. And a quick google shows that back in August they were busy denying that water is a basic human right.

I mean, if we’re going to avoid buying a Volkswagen for new car due to their problematic actions, what the hell am I doing with my Nespresso coffee consumption?

Maybe I can get the will to do it for the world more easily than I can do it for myself.

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