I’m expending some energy this morning deliberating whether or not to run. I’m looking out the window at the snow falling and I just really don’t fancy the mental energy expenditure required to watch my footing to run in the snow. But I keep going back and forth on it because I’d promised myself I was going to run today, and I had even meant to run yesterday and then yesterday got away from me and anyway here I am looking at a forecast that says it’s going to snow on and off until about 4:30, like we can even trust the weather forecast in this country to be that accurate.
Why can’t I just make a decision? Because it’s the indecision that’s the killer. Literally every five minutes I question my plans: “Has it cleared up enough? Right this instant it’s not snowing? I’m not even going that far! Look the sun has come out! Why don’t I just go?”
Then the snow starts again and I decide not to go til it’s cleared up again.
I honestly sat down here to write and convince myself to make a final decision and be okay with it and to spend the day without guilt and to head out around 4:30, but no, the sun has come out in the course of the first 200 words so I’m flip-flopping all over the place and I can’t make a decision and it’s driving me a bit batty.
It’s not worth this! It’s fine to either run or not run, but why expend this ridiculous amount of energy on indecisiveness?
Okay, so here’s my plan. When I finish writing here, I’ll plug in my headphones and get changed and ready. If it’s snowing when I’m ready I’ll make a to-do list of other stuff I want to do today, if it’s sunny I’ll head out. And at some point it will get sunny again and I’ll just head out then. Sure the forecast seems to imply I’ll get snowed on a bit during the course of my 40 minutes or whatever but that’s not the worst thing in the world.
I feel like I’ve already run ten miles figuring that out in my head even though it’s such a simple low consequence thing. I feel a bit irritated with myself for expending so much brain space on it in the first place. And I feel kinda irritated with myself for writing about it here. Yeah, I know there’s only about five of you even reading this garbage, but even you few deserve better than to spend time inside my indecisive, overwrought thought processes.
I have a week off for midterm break now and I know that by the end of it I’m just going to be disappointed in myself and my lack of accomplishment for the time. But I week just isn’t really that long for doing much other than recuperating some lost sleep, brain space and maybe catching up with the laundry.
But I’m angry and upset because I want my life to be something other than just that, just surviving, even if it’s surviving in a pretty pleasant day-to-day loved in the bosom of my family sort of a way.
I guess I kinda want to have a point and I know there isn’t any really point to any of us individually (although I tend to think there might be a point to us as a whole species. sometimes), I still want to feel like there’s a point to my individual existence.
So if I’m in a bad and irritable mood today, I guess that’s what’s going on. I’m displeased with myself and my trite existence and I suppose I’d kind of like to feel like I’m awesome and filled with potential and to really believe that some of it could even come to pass. And today I don’t mean the small stuff like the potential of a new house, or a good year of teaching, or even another year of keeping children alive (which can usually fill that hole of potential).
Stupid impending death fear. Stupid mid-term break making me feel like I should be accomplishing more. Stupid brain that beats the emotional shit out of me every day for not doing more.
As predicted, I’m coming to the end of writing here and the sky is clouding over with those freezing clouds proclaiming the snow to come. Fine. Whatever. I have my plan. Today is a day for telling myself what to do and just doing it.