Just a quick check-in this morning as I’ve spent a bunch of my morning time working on my story. I haven’t been writing it directly because I suddenly realised the need to work on who the characters are in the room for the first scene. I created a characters document and had a bit more fun and a bit less excruciating self-judgement this morning as I described their goals and obstacles, and also some name-making up.

I’m actually now kinda looking forward to writing the rest of the first scene. Maybe that was why it was so hard to write those first 249 words; I didn’t have anything except one current guy and a plan for several more further down the road, none of whom were around at the moment. Now there’s some tension going on in the scene – even if I’m the only one who knows about it.

So there we go, I’m feeling a bit better about doing this for a little longer.

Meanwhile I need to give some thought for how I’m going to sustain my life and lifestyle choices heading into the Easter term. I’m struggling with feeling really exhausted, especially in the evenings. I don’t know if it’s “true” exhaustion. I mean, I can run and run some decent distances still, even though that’s gone downhill in the wake of the flu I had a few weeks back. Maybe I’m still just suffering from the after-effects of that.

I know that I can get up once the kids are in bed and force myself to clean house a bit or drag some grudging work out of myself. But it’s a battle every. single. evening. and I’m inclined to think of a better solution rather than forcing myself to be miserable every evening.

Here are two thoughts I’ve got on it:

  1. Force it. Have a few weeks of being kinda miserable and resistant, but hopefully eventually develop a different type of habit as I get used to it.
  2. Leave it. But I’m not allowed to then squander three hours on the Internet which leaves me equally exhausted the following morning.

Allowed. I’ve been watching a TV Series called This is Us which has one of the main characters struggling with weight and over-eating. The show depicts the over-eaters meetings she attends and I cringe and grow angry at all the moral language around food and what she’s “allowed” to eat. It feels so evident to me that this will only make her more obsessed with food and that it’s no way to live a life.

So that word, that idea of permission and rules in one’s life is ringing some alarm bells with me. All the same, I want to have some self-boundaries because I don’t want to feel like shit and I want to have enough energy to do some more stuff in my life.

There’s a voice in the back of my head saying “coffee coffee coffee coffee” and I know, I know, but I don’t feel ready yet. Maybe after the midterm?