From the doldrums of creativity to feeling like I’m bursting with desire to write and draw and paint and do so much! And just in the week of my midterm. Now, this was the plan, but I can’t help but worry that being back at school from tomorrow will destroy it all again.
I don’t feel like I’ve really filled much of my energy well, nor have I organized myself particularly well, nor caught up or pre-worked in advance of my return to regular employment. So I can play the expected video of next week pretty easily:
Wake exhausted tomorrow. Sleep in a little too long and abandon morning writing “just this once”. Prop myself up with coffee and rush out the door. Teach teach teach. Gap in the middle of the day used for basic kitchen clean and dinner making. Two hour after school meeting on Monday saps any will to live. Meanwhile crazy children get home and leave a trail of destruction behind them. Newly returned motivation is all expended on the endless list of tasks that will be introduced at the meeting. When I get home, hungry and tired and stressed and disappointed in myself for not doing more, husband will be stressed and cranky after an evening alone with non-eating, mess-making kids. I will just want to have a rest and eat and not deal with any of it and certainly not want to do anything to fight the mess and clutter. I will give up on the thought of doing evening words and tell myself “tomorrow tomorrow”, and flop on my reclining chair with chocolate, ignore my kids and watch brain dead Netflix until it’s late enough that I’ve guaranteed the same viscious cycle will begin again the next day.
And that’s just Monday.
So… don’t do that?
It seems to me that evenings are the key, and my attitude to them is really setting up how the entirety of my life is going. Sure I feel like I have no energy, but what’s actually happened is that I’ve gotten drained of a particular type of motivation and energy and despite my instincts doing something will probably refresh me. Doing nothing is the thing that will drag me even further down.
So I think I need to fight my instincts.
First of all, while the kids are awake, any attempt to have a bit of relaxation time will just result in frustration as my break gets interrupted every thirty seconds, with the result that I’ve still taken the time to relax but without any of the effects of relaxation. So, maybe utilize that time for brain-dead housework stufff? Then a cup of tea. Then either sleep or reading or writing or drawing. And then sleep.
Always sleep. And in time enough so that I wake with enough energy to get through the day.
I’m also going to make a push to cut down on my caffeine intake. I’m going to start with decaf coffee every second morning and then move towards green-tea instead of coffee. I honestly think it’s at least partially responsible for the huge afternoon crashes I’ve been experiencing.
So there we are – a plan! I’ll let you know how it goes.