I’m awake about half an hour earlier this morning than yesterday, but only got to writing about ten minutes earlier. This is the problem with extra time; it doesn’t always translate into extra productivity, and sometimes it can feel like a huge effort to carve out that extra half hour out of my sleep or from somewhere else in the day.

All the same, I did follow my own advice yesterday evening to not attempt to relax unti the kids were in bed. This worked well in terms of getting stuff done, but I felt pretty cranky about it all the same and was kind of rude to husband when I was cleaning up in the kitchen.

I was also completely out of energy by the time they were actually in bed and very high on the entitlement feeling scale. Goddamnit I deserved all the treats and chill out time by my reckoning by then.

I did a couple of hours of schoolwork then crashed out to sleep closer to 10pm than 11 and that’s good, that’s what I want to be doing, but I can’t say I’m feeling super rested this morning. That said, I’m not sure what makes a person more rested in the morning – I tend to notice the benefits of more sleep slightly later in the day.

Oh yeah, and this morning I’m trying some decaf coffee. I’m definitely missing the caffeine hit already but I’m determined to make the change. Maybe that’s the thing that will make that morning exhaustion difference for me. What do you think?

Now, for today – the same risks exist as did with yesterday. The impulse to crash out and slump all over the internet will be strong. The impulse is just as strong when using my phone as it was when I had a computer, but it’s not as immersive and I feel like I’m less inclined to follow through. This might be a good thing. I hope it will be a good thing.

My laptop still kinda works you know. It turns on, it even looks like itself, but it’s all a bit Pet Semetary: it sort of behaves like an evil version of itself with flickering screen, random unpressed keys pressing themselves and crazy characters coming out when I press spacebar or backspace. But it’s there and “technically” still alive. I feel like I’m keeping its comatose body lying around, but it feels like such a waste to add it into the ever-growing graveyard of dead computers in G.’s office.

I’ve asked for a cup of green tea to follow this decaf coffee because I just about feel like I can’t move right now. That’s not a great sign for my coffee addiction.

You know it occurs to me that I should take these mornings to write about important stuff and all my opinions on politics and the state of the world and feminism and society and all that. I suppose sometimes I do a little. And believe me I do think about that stuff all throughout the day and sometimes I guess it might well up in me and be determined to get out of me in words-on-the-screen form, but … I often don’t feel like it.

I often just want to be self-focused and concentrate on the small unimportant stuff that kinda has an impact on my life and nothing more, nothing bigger. But I guess I’m feeling kinda guilty and privileged too. Lots of “should” language going on inside my brain about what this blog “should” be – or at least should be trying to do.

It’s useful to remind myself that this isn’t meant to be anything more than a form of therapy for myself.

All the same I’m feeling a little tired of listening to myself and I certainly judge plenty about myself. I guess Judgemental Crow is pretty active this morning and he’s banging his gavel in my direction more than anyone else’s. I just turned my arm in a twist to see an itchy patch on its underside and when I saw how the skin looked so papery and wrinkled, I actually had a moment of self-disgust. What a strong emotion to have against myself.

I think the body-acceptance pictures I’m planning had better include some acceptance of the aging of my body as well as its extra weight. I’m not feeling it super strongly this morning, but I suppose this might be one of those areas where repetition will make all the difference.

Advertisements