I’ve been feeling frustrated with my crushing evening tiredness recently (I feel asleep before 9pm yet again last night), but I’m feeling a little better since I decided that I’ll do some sleep tracking.

The main thing is that I get worried that something is “wrong” and I can’t understand why I’d be so tired when I seem to be getting plenty of sleep. But maybe I’m not getting so much sleep as I think, and maybe the quality of the stuff I am getting is poor.

Stress, anxiety and depression could all be contributers as well, I guess. Was I not just writing here the other day that I felt I was in the midst of a depressive episode? But the thing is that it feels like a different exhaustion to depression tiredness. It’s hard to explain the difference because they both come out sounding kind of the same, but I suppose with depression exhaustion I mightn’t actually go to sleep; I’d just feel like I couldn’t move or couldn’t do anything. Getting to sleep would actually be hard for me, but then waking up would be nigh on impossible too. It’s kind of the other way round for me right now. I don’t actually have so much trouble waking up in the morning – and I’m waking up in mostly a good and optimistic mood. But once evening rolls around – and especially after dinner – it feels like I’ve been crushed by a truck.

In truth, the last time I felt like this is when I was pregnant. Not so noticeable when I was pregnant with the boys because I had so much other stuff going on with my body from IVF and steroids and all the fear and anxiety surrounding losing them. But when I was pregnant all those years ago in Japan, in the week or so before I even did a test I felt like bricks had been piled on me and I was absolutely wrecked.

Well I’m certainly not pregnant right now, so what’s going on? Maybe I’m anaemic? Seems unlikely – I mean I haven’t been doing much different since the last time I had an iron test and my levels were good then. Maybe though. I mean things do change and my coffee consumption is high and apparently caffeine can inhibit iron absorption.

I keep coming back to needing to cut down on coffee, don’t I? I just don’t really want to do it.

I keep coming back to a number of changes that I could (should?) make in order to be living a healthier life, but instead it seems I’d rather wallow in suffering and complaining.

Huh. Of course I’d say I don’t want to wallow in suffering and complaining, but look at the choices I consistently make.

Human beings are illogical systems. Someone programmed us wrong.

No wait. I reckon someone just programmed us for a set of often obsolete requirements. And they’ve done a bad job coz they’ve hard-wired some variables in there and the system can’t respond on the fly to the information presented in the modern world.

G. says computers are a bad analogy for the human brain and that I’m falling prey to that same mistake that every generation makes, to use the technology of the time to describe our own thought processes. That the brain is like a steam engine, or clockwork, or a roladex or filing system or whatever.

Well, maybe I am making that same mistake, but it’s a familiar metaphor and one that I find kind of useful. Because if I can treat myself a little like a system of physical and mental processes that need certain types of maintenance, then maybe I can side-step some of the emotionally ingrained and malformed habits that get in my way.

Like, I have more than just a physical attachment to having my morning or afternoon coffees – I have an emotional, habitual attachment to them. Maybe it would help me to break that habit by considering good self-maintenance.

But all the same, even as I type the words, I find myself interally rejecting the notion of stopping my morning coffee. Even as my guts twist in an IBS reaction to the coffee I’ve already ingested (and yeah, probably triggered further a bit by current anxiety and feelings of too much to do), even with that I can feel myself rejecting the notion of stopping.

I just want stuff that I view as being for me and I suppose coffee is one of the things and it’s hard for me to think of a replacement that I don’t resent.

At the moment.

Anon, blog. The day calls.

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