I’m finding it difficult to get up early enough in the morning to write here, and if I don’t do it in the morning then it’s shot. There’s just too much else on throughout the day and – I’ve mentioned this before, haven’t I? – I don’t ever ever feel like I’m getting it done.

It’s literally time and energy and not just procrastination. I’ve made a deal with G. about housework and I’ve asked him to take over bathroom cleaning (chemicals and bending) and hoovering (it hurts my back and my belly so so much. Actually, does it do that for everyone? I’d presume so. WTF hoovering? You’d think we’d have invented a better way by now. I guess there’s a roomba but that wouldn’t work in a house like ours even if we could afford one. I digress.) and I’m in charge of the laundry.

I’m turning into a tyrant over clothes reuse so that people are no longer allowed to just wear an item of clothes for half an hour and then dump it in the dirty clothes basket – actually, dumping in the clothes basket would be at least one level of a win, as opposed to dumped on the ground to get covered in dog hair and trod on because every single person in this house bar me will clamber over a veritable obstacle course of clothes, toys and other detritus rather than bend down and pick something up.

And I’m the one with trouble bending at the moment.

I digress again.

I feel cranky. I’m annoyed with myself for waking up later than intended and I’ve been a little curt and harsh with Twin1 who wanted TV instead of his uncharged iPad – usually a reasonable compromise, but this morning I don’t want to deal with the extra noise of the television and the ten minutes lost to setting up whatever it is he wants to view, only to need to change it again two minutes later. I’m not up for negotiating with his brother because the tv is too loud and intrusive and will block out his iPad. And mostly I just want them to take care of themselves for another 15 minutes or so whilst I tap out my angst and frustration here.

Bubble-baby’s not moving this morning. At least not in a way discernible to me. I mean, that’s fine in a “still early days” way, but for the prior two days I’ve had nearly constant movement and sitting down to eat breakfast in the morning had been a surefire way to get him to wake up and me in a position to notice him. I’ve not used my doppler yet this morning either, so I’ve got a bit of a cloud of anxiety hovering over me ’til I finish here and see how that is.

I’m not *that* worried. Scratch that. My logic brain is not too worried. The chicken-licken part of my brain is running around screaming like a proverbial headless version of itself. One pragmatic part of me reckons there’s too much poo in there to feel anything else. Seriously. Constipation is not my friend at the moment. I spent way too long sitting on the toilet yesterday, but then had to give up due to worry about pushing out something that I needed. Like the baby. No, I mean, I’m not stupid, I know you can’t push the baby out like that, but you probably can rupture something or give yourself a prolapse or something equally unpleasant.

Oh. Was that too much information? Well, as I said to G. yesterday – you only have to hear about it, I have to experience it.

Maybe that’s not an excuse for being gross, but all the same, some of this stuff is overwhelming enough as it is without having to deal with decorum and secrecy on top of it.

Also I’m feeling woefully under-prepared for the (truncated) day of classes I have ahead of me. There’s a school mass which is actually not the worst thing in the world, but even when I’m feeling my best self those pews make me feel unwell and dizzy. I might claim faint and disappear at some point. I also hate navigating through the fact that I’m not christian, let alone catholic, and so I don’t want to receive communion. In fact my issues around the catholic church grow stronger year on year. It pretty much offends me to have to go to this thing, but it’s also literally part of my job.

Anyway, it seems that less than five minutes left on it’s own sorted out the iPad sadness, so now all that’s left is to navigate the rest of the morning.

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