The tooth fairy made her second visit to our house last night. There’s a bit of a difficulty with twins where you expect them to hit milestones more or less at the same time, but different people manifest physical changes at different times in their lives. Now Twin1 has lost two teeth and has a third that’s wobbly, while Twin2 doesn’t even have the slightest movement in any of his.

That’s hard for him when his twin is getting special treatment for something special that’s happening and he’s been used to all special days and events being dual. For the first tooth loss their “faeries” brought them a small present each as well, but that wasn’t something we wanted to keep going, so there was just the tooth-fairy money for twin1 under his pillow this morning and a note and picture for each of them from their personal faeries with promises that they’ll have enough magic to make another present if they keep being so good at school.

Twin2 just came in to ask me why his faerie had drawn a sad face on the note. I said “Because he’s sad he didn’t get enough magic from the tooth fairy to bring you a present.” Response: “But this is a good present! It’s like a present!”

So, feeling the love and like a parenting win!

Hopefully that will keep me buoyed enough to make it through the day and the week, etc. etc. I had an episode of tears last night at the prospect of the work involved in getting through the days ahead. My body is achy and I’m constantly exhausted, and I have two late evenings ahead that are not optional.

Last night I found it hard not to catastrophise and live in that imagined future. This morning I don’t even fully remember what that felt like. It’s a good thing, but it’s weird to have such a close past version of myself that already feels alien. I’m splitting into parts a little bit with the stress of these days and I don’t feel like I’ve much consistency in how I’m feeling either emotionally or physically.

Is it just wishful thinking? When I’ve been lying down for a long while, or when I wake in the mornings, I can’t imagine that I can’t do my job adequately. Then in the evenings when exhaustion is pulling at my bones and I’ve used up the last caring atom of my being in getting the children to sleep and yet I’ve still got a pile of corrections and school tasks to attend to … I’m just done. It all seems impossible and scary.

Oh. I guess I can remember it after all.

Maybe it’s better not to. Or else I’ll panic again.

I don’t really have much of a plan surrounding work just yet. I’m waiting to see if what happened last Thursday happens again. And if it does, I need to go to my doctor to make a plan. Probably a plan to just get signed off work. I’m hoping to hear from her today regarding my blood-work in any case. Although I suspect they must have come back normal or someone else in the office would have contacted me.

I don’t want to go running back to her just yet, complaining that I’m not managing. It feels like I’m wussing out too early. Then again, when I’m in the throes of it I know that’s exactly what I need to do.

So I guess my plan is to wait for it to happen again, and if it doesn’t – well and good, but if it does – then I think I’ll be ready to accept getting signed off.

Let’s just see how it goes? Yeah, that’s a kind of a plan.

My anxiety’s also rising around the baby and his growth and wondering if everything’s okay. That’s just a symptom of not getting checked up on as frequently this pregnancy as I was the last time. I thought things would be much better with no bleeding happening – and they are! they are! I’m super happy about that, but … I guess I miss the extra reassurance that came with every visit to the emergency room.

It’s a lot nicer to not need to be waiting in the emergency room every week or two though. And to not need to get anti-D injections every six weeks, etc.  It’s a win for sure, it’s just that some parts of my brain refuse to read it that way. They’re too locked into the trauma of the past and painting that onto the future as a prediction.

So. Let’s see how today goes. If I don’t write again soon, it’s because of being too fucking tired in the morning to wake up and do it.

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