Just because you can’t control things, doesn’t mean they’re all going to go wrong.

Oh, did I say that yesterday? Well, I think it bears repeating to my cranky brain. I might say it a few more times over the coming weeks as my anxiety peaks and … well, not so much crashes as gives me a small respite for a while.

I’m cycling high on the anxiety wheel at the moment, and even though rest and being away from school is most certainly helping, it doesn’t take much to push me over and into a place where I don’t really feel like I’m coping.

My brain ran round and round over the last couple of nights because of small insignificant email questions from students. I questioned whether I should reply to them and if so in what manner, and how or when or how much should I loop in the colleagues that I know are taking over some of my duties.

Information is good, but too much information is a little bit over-loading.

Baby has been moving a good deal more since yesterday evening – or else he’s just turned around and now I can actually detect the movement more. There are still these long gaps at not necessarily expected times when it’s all silent and still in there and then my brain wants to add “as the grave” and I start into the morbid process of imagining what a pregnancy loss at this point would mean, whether he’d move or breath for a few hours before passing, whether we’d have a funeral, questions about when the state lets you register the birth – from 24 weeks, I believe, so probably not for us at this point.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow, so over the half-way point and into “stillbirth” rather than “miscarriage” territory – as if that’s some great achievement unlocked! I’ve got to stop obsessing about the slow passage of each and every single day, and you know there’s plenty to get done that will happily eat up the time, so establishing a routine will help.

I need to call over to the school today to pick up my teacher book that I apparently foolishly left behind. In order to hand over my classes more effectively I need to have that, so the sooner I get it, the better. But I feel weird about walking into the staffroom and I really don’t want to be seen by students.

When I think too much about all the undone work and unattended classes left behind it’s hard not to feel guilty and a little bit panicked. I know I’ll feel okay once they’ve someone in place to take my classes, but somehow I suspect that won’t be until after the midterm break.

I should also set aside some time to getting a Computer Science scheme detailed and up with related notes for as soon as they get someone into that position. I can’t just walk away from this without worry. I don’t even think that I should.

And then, the house. There are two weeks remaining before the deadline for appeals and it’s tempting to hope that we might make it there with everyone just letting it go now that the planning decision has been made. It’s tempting to even feel like we’re half-way there, and that each passing day without an appeal makes it less likely that one will turn up. But that’s completely untrue. Appeals are most likely to appear at the very end of the process – just when it will feel most like a gut punch. Because it will just take them that long to contact a solicitor and draft their letter and maybe contact all the residents so that they can put a collective appeal together or something like that. Unlike with submissions, I think the appeals process is less about quantity. And just one will be enough to set our timeline back another six months.

I’m hopeful enough that we’ll be successful, but all the same it opens up the decision and it can be overturned. And even if it’s not, they could add additional constraints and conditions on the whole thing.

Like the rest of the mud-puddle anxious swirl in my brain, I guess it’s best not to think of it.

So for today, I’m going to email myself a short list of things to get done. And then I’ll be the mindless worker bee who follows instructions and that will help me get through the majority of today.

Tomorrow I’ll deal with tomorrow.

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