Is there anybody out there? Am I singing to myself in the wilderness? Nevermind if I am though, it’s my own wilderness that I need to deal with here.
Hey, so I’m feeling so much better. I’m tired this morning due to a late night and not loads of sleep, but it’s gone out of my bones now. This is the type of tired cobwebbiness that I know will get washed away with a cup of tea and a slice of chocolate.
It’s also not hurting too much to walk – although I’m breathless enough if I walk at a “normal” person’s pace.
All in all, feeling good. Feeling like I could work. Probably three short classes would quickly put paid to that notion though.
I wish I had thoughts and words of wisdom to write this morning, but I’m feeling a bit like a mundane earthenware vessel; perfectly practicable, useful and not unattractive in its own plain way, but at the same time? there’s only so much you can discuss it before you’re out of things to say about a plain functional tool.
I’m functioning well. I don’t have a huge desire to dig any deeper than that. And maybe there’s a warning in that in itself. So often these sort of “all’s well, who cares about all that deep stuff” calms appear before an emotional storm. Should I be trying harder to push through the cocoon that’s currently keeping me from worry and stress, or should I just appreciate it for what it is right now. Maybe it’s giving me some respite. Maybe I should just go with that.
But if I do then I’ve an awful lot of words to get through without saying much of value. That said, I made it this far, didn’t I?
I’ll talk about my day so…
I’m deliberating going back to sleep for an hour after this. My eyelids are heavy and for all of next week the children will be home on their hallowe’en holidays and there’ll be little enough peace in the house. So I could take advantage of that.
All the same, there are plenty of things to be doing – mundane earthenware things that I nearly bore myself to try and describe, so I won’t really bother.
Or I could attempt to do something worthwhile like drawing or writing or anything at all creative really.
Wow. My mind shut down that notion super quickly. Well, I’ve a deadline set for myself. It’s nicely far away that I don’t have to worry about it too much just yet.
What else. Dreams? My dreams are still really really intense. Nearly too much so at times. Last night I was excavating some old tunnel back in the house where I grew up from 10 to 18. Anyway, it turned out to have some dangerous poisonous nuclear material in it and I was exposed to it for a long time, and was obliged to be further exposed. Then I started bleeding – as in threatened miscarriage bleeding. All really horrible and did not like.
I remember when I was carrying the twins having one particular nightmare about preterm labour (in the middle of running a marathon) that was so ridiculously intense that I can still clearly remember the desolation and panic that I felt. That one was even clearer than last night’s nightmare. For some reason, despite all the threats in last night’s dream, I felt strangely calm like I still believed it was all going to be okay. Obviously if I were to actually be exposed to nuclear material I’d be panicking like Chicken-Licken on speed.
But I think I am generally feeling a little more assured that this will actually progress to a baby than I was the last time. Or else I’m just not as terrified of the consequences if it doesn’t. Does that sound terrible? It’s no less a precious offspring than those we already have – or at least it will be no less… right now? If we lost this pregnancy, I’m pretty sure I’d be devastated, but I wouldn’t be facing into a potential childless future. I wouldn’t have that feeling that I was missing my chance to do something I was determined to do.
I don’t think having kids is something everyone should want to do, or does want to do, but I did. It felt devastating to face up to the possibility that it wasn’t going to happen. It would have taken concerted effort on my part to change something very fundamental in my belief system if I was ever going to do that.
I was lucky. I didn’t have to.
And now I’ll never have to question whether I could have or not.