I’m feeling really angry today. I have been since last night and I’ve tried a number of things to cope, but it doesn’t really seem to be dissipating which is what I really want to happen.
I’d literally just finished tapping out the words for yesterday’s blog post when I got a call from the architect of our (hopeful) new house. He had called An Bord Pleanala and confirmed that the appeal against our plans had indeed been validated and it was final and all done and all of that. Cue joy. Cue disbelief. Cue a slow infusion of hope and excitement that continued to build as the day went on.
Until around 4:30 when the other shoe dropped as it’s invariably wont to do.
The invalidated appeal had gotten revalidated as the neighbours who made it got their shit together just in the nick of time.
And that was pretty much what I had been expecting all along, and I’d made my peace with it until the day of joy and expectation that was thing unceremoniously whipped from under me.
Since then I’ve just been feeling really angry and irritable. I was okay about the wait and the uncertainty – well as much as I could be, I felt. But now I’m not. And all the stuff I’d done to build myself back up from the kick of having an appeal lodged in the first place is now having no effect. Or at least not a good enough effect.
I still want to clean up our house and get it liveable and decluttered, but I’m just moving about through things absent any sense of excitement or achievement. And I feel unbearably irritable with everyone surrounding me. In particular those next-door neighbours.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not personal. (It feels fucking personal.) They’re entitled to go through their due process and appeal a decision that they don’t agree with. (I resent their entitlement, where’s our entitlement to develop our property and get away from this constant feeling that we’re living in a cardboard box?) It will probably still be decided in our favour. (But we don’t know that and even if it is, there could be additional conditions placed upon us that will make it a “lesser” project than it was going to be. And the delay. And just the fucking uncertainty.)
I guess the uncertainty is the worst to me. I’d feel aggrieved about the delay, but if I knew it was just a delay and we were certain to get our planning through at the end of it I’d get over that.
Everything feels so stagnant right now. I hate everything that’s surrounding me. I feel no joy in any of our possessions or our environment.
I know, gods rationally I know, how bloody lucky we are. I’m just really struggling to feel it.
What do you do with that? I guess I should meditate. It would probably help – it helped me a good bit last night when I was feeling particularly wound up. But I don’t want to do the work. I just want a quick fix solution. I want a band-aid, I want a drink, I want fake plastic joy that I grasp onto, ignoring the fact that it will seep out of me like life-blood in the early hours of the morning; for just right now, for just an afternoon, I just want to feel okay. I want to feel like a King – a God-Emperor in fact – even if it’s only in my head.
But yeah… I’ve got to do the work, don’t I? I’ve got to spend the time and sit with my feelings and let them actually run through me and say their piece rather than squashing them back into some box that I’m trying to dictate – and anyway, they’re a little like tiny wriggling octopi with tentacles sticking out from the lid of any box in which I try to contain them.
What is it with my aversion to mindfulness practice? I know it works! I know I like doing it! It doesn’t even take that long. And all I’d have to do is ask for 10 minutes of peace to practice and I’m fairly sure I’d be given it. But I get embarrassed about mentioning I’m doing it. And I don’t really want it to be this big production – I just want G. to make sure the kids don’t disturb me for exactly that long. And invariably the moment I sit down to do something like meditating (even typing the word causes a judgement storm in my brain – “What utter wank!” it cries at me) will be the moment every single thing in my life will demand attention.