I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with undone tasks. How do I have so much left undone when I’m not even working? But I also seem to have about 3-5 appointments in any given week and they substantially eat into my time and energy.
I felt so proud of myself around this time last week when I’d made a list of tasks for the week and organised my calendar and diary and it was totally all going to happen… and then it didn’t.
For one thing, the week was unexpectedly truncated by a wedding in Kerry on Friday. That necessitated a bunch of stuff being done before we left Cork and took over the weekend with bleeding into the days either side. For another, the daily tasks of living seem to so easily expand to be the whole day. I feel really frustrated when that has been happening for a while as I drift into more of a “survival” than a “living” mode of being.
I think attention to schedule and the limited hours in the day can make a difference here.
But I also need to battle against the part of me that wants certain days to zoom along. The part of me that thinks that life will be somehow magically better in a particular future when particular goals have been met. It’s like I want to check out of existence and only pop back into to experience some golden Kodak moments: firsts and lasts of school, anatomy scan for baby, planning decision for house …
I used to do just this with alcohol, but now I’m doing it with laundry and other mindless, day-erasing tasks.
I’ve often heard myself rant that I need at least a thousand years to live in order to fulfill all the life goals I have. But how much of my life has leaked out around the edges of daily living? How many hours spent mindlessly judging strangers on the internet, and I could have collected all those penny-hours and put them together in a jar for spending on something meaningful. If only I’d concentrate.
If only I wanted to.
Aye, there’s the rub – right? I kind of think that anything I’m doing or not doing is coming back to desire at the heart of it. Desire is the ultimate weak-sauce, I think. Where’s my will in all of this? Where is the driving fire of my life?
(Said as my eyelids droop heavily and at least 50% of my brain is crying “sleep! sleep! sleep!” at me.)
Here’s how a day goes:
- Aspirational alarm wakes me at 06:30. Turn it off.
- Child wakes me with astonished exclamations that “it’s seven!” at around 07:02. Tell them they can have iPad while we get our senses. Go back to sleep.
- Indignant late-alarm wakes me at 07:30 telling me it’s time to do an injection. Whimper and complain but eventually drag self from bed for toilet, blood glucose monitoring and belly injection.
- Shower, dress self. (Sometimes this happens later.)
- If husband has not already done so, feed children.
- Eat breakfast of sorts while being tangentially involved in the dressing of children.
- Maybe walk children to school, otherwise write words (usually).
- Maybe fall asleep for another while, and then shower.
- Wake in an aggrieved mood around 11:30 and get clean and dressed.
- Panic over all that needs to be done that day.
- Have a snack and waste more time on the internet.
- Head to some appointment or other.
- Maybe walk a dog.
- Monitor sugars. Eat lunch.
- Do something about the vast mountain of clothes and dust that have accumulated seemingly overnight.
- Answer an email or two.
- Start dinner, sweep a floor.
- Snack and internet.
- At least another 3 finger pricks to monitor sugars somewhere in there.
- Pick children up from child-minder. Proceed to feel too tired to interact with them properly.
- Finish creating a perfunctory dinner. (around 17:00 now) Eat. Ignore entire family for about 2 hours.
- Children bedtime routine which is creeping later and later, often not finished ’til 20:30 or 21:00 now.
- Snack and internet for at least an hour.
- Beat self up for doing absolutely nothing meaningful for the whole day.
- Conclude “it’s too late to start now” and resolve to go to sleep early and actually get up with aspirational alarm tomorrow.
- Fail to fall asleep due to either internet or watching some Netflix show.
- Finally drift off close to midnight – about 10 minutes before husband comes to bed. This wakes me so spend more time on the internet.
- Sleep for 1-2 hours before bladder wakes me.
- Sleep another hour before Twin 2 demands “hot milk”. Wake husband to get this even though I’m actually woken up now anyway.
- Spend an hour trying to get back to sleep. Just about manage it when Twin 2 asks if he can come into our bed for a while. Acquiesce as guilt and exhaustion are the main components of my psyche at this time.
- Wriggling child keeps me awake, so move into his bed.
- Sleep for 1-2 hours before aspirational alarm wakes me …
Rinse and repeat.