Yesterday morning, after dropping children to school, I sat down and had breakfast and a cup of tea and told myself “I’ll write now in 2 minutes, in 1 minute, in 30 seconds – I’ll just check one more thing!”, etc. etc. But I just didn’t do it. For once it wasn’t avoidance, it was exhaustion. I closed my eyes “for two minutes” and was fast asleep before even half that time had elapsed.

But all in all it was a pretty good day. I find that if I can even do “one extra thing” off the mile-long checklist of house and life stuff that isn’t just maintaining the status quo – i.e. cooking dinner, keeping kitchen clean and making all appointments – then I feel pretty good about myself. It isn’t quite enough for the longer term, but it’s enough at the moment. I suppose that feeling of spinning wheels really was coming from last week being 50% extra free busyness.

But now, onwards.

We’ve got that house/neighbours meeting this coming Saturday morning, so I can spin out over that for the next couple of days. It’s good that there’s not really much I can do to prepare for it, and research or website refreshing won’t make any difference, so I’m not wasting hours waiting for planning websites to load and investigating how previous decisions have gone. Well, not much anyway.

Mostly I’m refreshing Twitter an awful lot and digging into the tangled weeds of Goodreads for mentions of G. and his upcoming book. ARCs (Advance Reading Copies) have gone out and reviews and reactions are starting to trickle in and I’m a little obsessed about them. You’d nearly think it was my book! Ha!

I want his book to do well for so so many reasons, though I suppose the main one would be that if it does moderately well he’s more likely to be asked to write more fiction books and that’s work that makes him happy. I suppose it makes me happy too, his “elevated authorly status” and all of that. Is fun to bask in his reflected glow, but mostly I just feel proud and happy that he’s achieved a very very long-term goal.

It’s nice to be reminded that all this grinding away at creative endeavours can actually result in commercial success; it’s not just a pipe-dream.

Not for everyone anyway.

Mood-wise I’m managing okay. But really only okay. By evening time I’m kind of hungry and pretty cranky and tired. I find the decision-making and organisation around meals to manage this gestational diabetes to be, frankly, exhausting. It’s only been a week and I’m already tired of it. That said, my weight-gain had started to accelerate above the curve and I was often eating out of boredom or even to counteract acid reflux (that can work sometimes) and now that trend has been reversed as, out of necessity, I’m eating fewer calories and healthier ones when I do eat.

I’ve also noticed that the tear-dam is often only seconds away from bursting, especially if something conflict-related comes up. There have been a few of different out-and-about scenarios that have sparked my cry-mechanism recently:

I was at the pharmacy picking up testing cartridges for my blood glucose, but my prescription was off in that I’d been prescribed 2 weeks’ worth of testing stuff to last a month. Now a week’s worth doesn’t even last a week anyway as there’s usually one or two tests that have to be discarded due to error messages and I’m on a very high-frequency test regime, having to check my sugars seven times a day.

So not really a big deal. I’ve a repeat on the prescription and the pharmacy can give me the extra strips to get through this month and I can get my doctor to fix the prescription the next time I see her.

But I felt like crying when I had to explain myself. I felt like one slight push and I’d have been a sobbing mess.

The difference is that if this was back in September I would have been a sobbing mess. Stepping back from the pressures of work definitely has made a difference to my ability to cope; my cup is just that much less full. But this, and other incidents like it, has been a sharp reminder that it’s not gone away; it’s just lurking there ridiculously close to the surface.

It’s good to keep an eye on things, but I don’t know if there’s much more I can do to push back. Meditate, yes. Write here, as much as possible. Excercise – also an “as much as possible” one.

Keep on keeping on? Like a bird that flew.

Advertisements