I’m in one of those moods this morning where I just want to get my words written so I can get on with the actual business of living and all that, but I don’t really feel like writing anything in particular. 

Maybe it’s more that I don’t really feel like listening to myself whining about the same old same old things, and so I’m avoiding letting the mundane brain and all its thoughts go “splat” on the page here. 

I feel so tiny-minded sometimes. Here’s what I’ve got going on:

  • My blood sugars were a little high this morning. I have my suspicions as to why. I’m not too worried about it. 
  • I’m sick of thinking about eating non-stop and I am not enjoying most of the food I’m putting into my body these days. 
  • I have some gut (I think) pain going on for the past three days and it’s uncomfortable and when it flares up it can escalate my anxiety. 
  • I miss coffee a lot.
  • I’m mildly concerned about Twin2 who is normally bouncing and full full full of energy, but this morning was dragging and complaining of being cold and tired. I have parental guilt about sending him off to school anyway, especially as he only had a couple of mouthfuls of breakfast. 
  • I’m spending far too much online time digging around for people commenting about G.’s book. What’s that obsession about anyway? When I do stuff like that it’s usually about trying to give myself the illusion of control, so I’m surprised that it’s flaring up in relation to this. I suppose the sales (or not) of this book will have an impact on our lives to some degree, and the “magic” behind book success is somewhat nebulous and uncontrollable to say the least, so yeah, maybe it does make sense. All the same, I should probably try to break away from this particular unhealthy habit.
  • I’m a bit sick of tidying and clearing and trying to “make things better” in our environment – especially as I seem to run out of steam before making any real progress and so it feels like I’m running to stand still. I guess if I stopped running things would just go backwards, so it’s still always good to try and do things. It’s just a bit demotivating at times.
  • I still haven’t made the Christmas Pudding!
  • I still haven’t started the passport application process!
  • A million other “to dos” that are not urgent on any particular day, but are time-sensitive in the longer term and if they don’t get done soon, we’ll be in trouble.
  • Actually, I wonder if we have to pay property tax for the full year given that we won’t be living in this house for the full year. Well, we might be. The house might cease to exist before the year is out though!
  • Negotiations with our next-door neighbours about planning are continuing at a glacial pace, but the aim is to be signing an agreement tomorrow.
  • I feel like my life should be filled with now’t but exciting things like signing agreements and making design decisions and book launches and anatomy scans. I’m not very good at dealing with quotidian life.

I think that’s all I have for now. I’m actually feeling disgusted with self and depleted and a bit wondering “what’s the point of me?” right now. I’ve got so much to be grateful for in my life, but examining gratitude only makes me feel more judgemental of my self and my personal ingratitude.

Is it too much to ask to feel permanently excited and inspired? I mean, I know that it’s possible for me to excited about the most seemingly mundane things in the world – like even just doing my grocery shopping somewhere different! 

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I’m on this constant quest, hunting for novelty each day. But you don’t get very far on interesting life achievements if all you ever do is start new things. You have to put in the grind. Without that, you’re just another “ideas person” and that’s definitely not something to aspire to.

Lists help. Structuring your day with something like Pomodoro helps. After that? I guess a good old-fashioned dose of will-power, of drawing in your breath and screwing your courage to the sticking point.

Can’t go over it, can’t go under it. Gotta go through it. After all, it’s all life and that’s way better than the alternative.

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