I’m somewhat surprising myself even by being awake before seven this morning. Yesterday I was up early to see G. off, and the day just got busier and busier from there. I was nearly as sore going to bed last night as I had been during the days I was working. 

It’s interesting (and probably useful) for me to note how little physical stuff I can actually do without dissolving into pain. When I do little enough I feel mostly fine (apart from those hours after dinner) and then I can feel a little like a malingerer who took sick leave just because they could. I mean, I certainly am attracted to the general idea of doing less work and having more time to spend on house and family and that sort of thing. 

My mother was down for the day yesterday – in fact she’s stayed over and it’s been lovely having her, but it’s also tiring because you sort of do slip into “host” mode even with close family, even when you’re saying (and they’re agreeing) “take me as you find me”, you don’t entirely present yourself as you would if you were just on your own. Or just with the closest of family. 

Like, parents and siblings are immediate family, but once you marry and have children and don’t live with them any more, then you have a more immediate family. Immediatest Family? Sorry. Early here. Brain still half (or more) asleep.

I suppose I’m saying that comfort space of youth that you would have found with parents and siblings gets somewhat eroded by time and distance as you grow into a different person to the one they knew.

I don’t know if it’s due to my changes and hence not necessarily matching the person they thought I was, and yet somehow still feeling obliged to act as if I were that person – no, actually, I’m pretty sure it’s not that. There was a time, for sure, that I had that going on, but I’ve become a lot more confident in the person I’ve been growing into and I’m usually pretty pleased to let my family see that.

I think that it’s actually more that I discovered a deeper comfort level and self-honesty in the family that I’ve built for myself with G. and children. I don’t think in all my life I ever got the opportunity to really be “just me” (and even a striving to be “better me”) in the same way, regardless of who I lived with. Yes, even when I just lived with myself – although that was probably more down to the fact that I didn’t particularly like myself or my life or my actions, so how could I have felt all that comfortable?

Anyway! All this just to say that while having a very helpful mother here who walked the dogs for me and painted a bedroom and chatted and distracted me, and who was generally lovely to catch up with – all of that is lovely, but it’s not un-exhausting, and I was pretty shattered by the time (well after midnight) that I flopped into bed. 

Hence I’m surprised that I not only woke up with my 06:30 alarm, but I actually got up as well. 

It’s Friday and typing that reminded me that I hadn’t yet checked on our planning application status, so I just did there and ….. 


So excuse me for a minute while I send a quick email off to G.

What happens next, I’m not entirely sure. We need to make some changes to the design of our house, and then we need to get ducks in a row in order to contact developers and see who’s going to offer us the best deal for this whole thing. It’s the question of what ducks those are and what we need to do in order to get them to line up that I don’t have the answers to.

It’s funny, I don’t even feel delighted or elated about this whole thing. I’m more feeling nervous and tired. It’s fine. It will be fine, but that last hauling over the coals with the next door neighbours and giving more to them than I felt I really wanted to has left a bit of a pissed off taste in my mouth. (Does pissed off have a taste? I guess it does now, and I bet you can imagine what it tastes like too.)

So. Good. I suppose it doesn’t really change our timeline though in terms of getting everything sorted and getting out of here. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little deflated. 

Okay, off bad, onto good. Off I head into the day. And the Toy Show is on tonight!