I’m awake in time to write, but I’m feeling procrastinaty and distractable. As usual the lure of nothing-internet is strong. Or even worthy-internet which is filled with articles that feel as though they’re worthy of your time and focus, feel like they’re things you even should be reading; a worthy, valid and valuable use of your limited time in this living configuration.
G. is gone again for the day, so I need to be organised and get the morning routine down effectively or it will be hard to get out the door without stress.
With absolutely no concern as to how tired he must be from the five days of travel, I stole a morning lie-in yesterday and he did the whole morning solo. It wasn’t intentional. I was just flattened.
But because of my lazy late start the pile on of “must do today” tasks took over everything and I never squeezed in my half hour of creativity. No, not even in the evening – though I can honestly say I spent the evening hours on functional rather than aimless tasks.
Why are the days so full? I don’t really get it! I should have oodles of time. I want oodles of time – not just in the individual days, but the remaining ones too.
I’m determined not to make the same mistake again, so here I am before the children wake, with my belly doing the “you woke me” grumble, and my throat parched – but I don’t want to disturb the dogs just yet – and my nose and head starting in on the “it’s too early” throb.
I can’t find anything much to say just yet. My mind is in pieces. My attention is scattered across the universe. I feel too tired to reel it in. If it was one big fish of distraction I reckon I could battle with it and tire it out and bring it to heel, but instead it’s a million small darting silver fishies that aren’t even interested in the hooks I’m offering.
Maybe use a net then?
But the only net I can think of is more sleep.
Am I too deep into metaphor here?
Gratitude. That’s always a good place to start, I reckon, when you feel you’ve nothing to say. I mean, if I feel I’ve nothing to say, then am I really just saying I’ve nothing to complain about? Or maybe it’s more that I’ve nothing new to complain about! That seems far more likely.
But yesterday I barely scratched the surface of ways in which I experience privilege in the world. It’s hard to be grateful for privilege. It’s one of those things that feels mostly invisible, whereas we see the hard work we have to put in to be successful in any area of life that matters. We don’t really see how much harder it would be to put in that work if your hands were metaphorically tied in any number of different ways.
In fact, we hate that thought so much – the thought that an extra boost has been given to us – that we’ll often actively blame those who are oppressed by systems for being so!
Take the idea of someone who’s not neurotypical. Maybe an executive function disorder. It’s something I’ve only recently learned about as a thing, which is why it’s so relevant to what I’ve said above. Said people literally cannot even when it comes to things like time-keeping and certain kinds of organisation. And even though I know this and I believe the science… I just … I still blame them for being late. Everything in my being wants to lob “Can’t you just…” grenades at them.
Rather than seeing the advantages I have due to not having to struggle with a disadvantage like this, instead I rail against how unfair it is to have to “deal with” what appears as selfishness on their part – how unfair it is that I put in the work and organisation to get to places on time and they don’t which feels like effectively “stealing” time from me.
So yeah, and it’s not hard to expand that feeling into feeling like it’s unfair to have to pick up the slack for any of the number of ways in which people are oppressed. And they are many.
But look at me, avoiding gratitude by talking about systems of oppression.
Every time it comes to gratitude I go straight to the big ones though – my children, my husband, a roof over my head – it’s hard to get past those in a way because they’re such a big deal.
I’ll think about it today.