I’m always a little excited for every OBG or midwife appointment. If nothing else, it’s reassuring to hear that the professionals aren’t too concerned about how the whole thing is progressing. I get a bit wrapped up in “what ifs” and by the time another two weeks have passed, I’m more than ready to meet with someone who’ll say “it’s all okay”. And I trust them, coz that’s what you do. 

Of course it’s hard to ignore that niggly little voice in the back of your head crying “what if! what if!”. Because even professionals miss things. 

And I never say anything about my crazy worries at the time of these meetings. Well, I was able to sideways mention that I worried about size and hiccoughs the last couple of visits, so maybe I’m not doing all that badly after all. It’s hard to bring things up unless they give you that gap though, where they ask you “Do you have any questions?” so interesting to note that that’s a really important step in any meeting. 

Bubble is hiccoughing into my pelvis right now. I just learned that apparently this is actually a really good sign for good development, that her stomach, etc. are developing well. So, more than reassuring. 

I’m still feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole run-up to Christmas. It feels impossible to feel organised on any given day. Is that being negative? I’m trying to steer my thoughts and writings away from mindless general complaints.

I know that G. is feeling fairly overwhelmed by his workload too. There are so many deadlines in quick succession, coupled with the personal commitments that just exist at this time of the year. 

What are you going to do though? It’s impossible to manufacture more time, and it’s actively unhealthy to work all the hours you’re actually given. I’ve been following a form of pomodoro technique recently in order to get through the days. It helps motivate me to work on tasks I’d otherwise try my best to ignore (and sometimes I’ll even ignore them through the reminders and alarms, so it’s by no means foolproof), and it reminds me to sit regularly, because otherwise I push too far and do too much physical stuff in the morning and get all burnt out. 

I’m pretty wrecked by the time evening comes ’round regardless. I know, I know, I’ve said this before. But this time I’m not complaining. I’m actually taking it as an indicator that I probably am maxing out most of what I can do. 

I still think there’s space in the evenings for me to do some non-physical but yes-mental labour in the evenings. But I guess I’m allowing a switch to get flipped by the time dinner has been served and I just want to switch off. 

Basically, yea, I think I could do better.

I’m worried about husband and his workload all the same. I’d like to advise him (and so I guess I am doing so somewhat passive-aggressively here, given that I know he reads this) to work pomodoro-style too and then stop at stopping time. Regardless of how much has already been completed. I know he’d argue that he has deadlines and too much to be done. Right now there are lots of people who want extra work from him, but I think they’ll just have to wait. Beyond what’s been absolutely and truly booked in. 

Anyway, I suppose this isn’t the time and place for going through the intricacies and details of his working life. I only have my perception of what it’s like not the truth of what he experiences. 

But I worry about his health – that’s the number one thing. 

And, selfishly, it puts pressure on us as a unit when he is fully, full-time++ taken up by work commitments and the rest of us become a bit of an imposition on the potential of getting more done in that arena.

Probably, if we’re smart and organised about it, we can manage it better. 

It’s warm in here in the hospital this morning and it’s busier than usual as they’re trying to see a whole load of people that maybe they wouldn’t see at this time, in order to fit them in before the Christmas shutdown. I suppose, from what I’ve written here, it’s easy enough to see why some people would complain about Christmas and all its attendant obligations and the frustrations of trying to get anything done over the two-week period at the end of the year. 

Still, for me, it’s one of the most beautiful and important times. Objectively, I think it’s important to mark the passage of time and have times for taking stock and resetting a little bit. Christmas and New Year are that for me, way more so than birthday. For G. I think it just happens a little later in January, around Warpcon. Maybe there’s more space for him to do it then.

Less objectively, I guess there’s the cultural inheritance thing of wanting to pass on to our children some of the magic we can remember ourselves from being young. 

No need for it to be “quote-unquote perfect” though. Being there will be enough.

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