Today I want to watch my cravings and desires. I wake most mornings feeling un-hungry and not wanting to eat or drink unhealthy things. And at some point during the day that shifts. If I’ve over-eaten or over-drank on a day, then right away I notice that I don’t enjoy that feeling. In the night time I might feel the weight of it in my belly or in how my body has responded to it. I don’t do well with bread and wheat. I will get a headache and anxiety from alcohol. At those moments I feel resolved to not indulge in the things that made me feel that way. There’s actually no huge difference between unhealthy foods and alcohol. One tends to make me crave the other and there’s some point in during the day when my perspective shifts and I suddenly want — or think I want — those things that make my body feel bad again.

So, I have an association in me somewhere. A deep seated belief that eating /drinking certain things brings me an amount of pleasure that is “worth it”. No, more than that. I’m not allowed these nice things, but I believe they fundamentally are “nice things”. That they fundamentally are things that make me feel good. Despite repeated evidence to the contrary.

So, the theory on my new Eat Right Now app is that all I have to do is pay attention, and I’ll notice they don’t actually make me feel good. And then I’ll stop wanting them so much.

Paying attention is the key thing though. I don’t want to know this truth. I’ve noticed that at least.

I think this is going to be a long journey for me.

At some point during the day, I get this idea that having a drink (or ten) will make the day easier, nicer, more “holiday”, is something I “deserve”, is something I want, is something that will elevate my day. Because I’m stressed. Because the tasks I need to do are boring. Because it’s Summer Holidays.

That sort of story.

I think that story is a lie. But I think it also has some truth to it. And maybe this is where I can pay some attention.

I’m not going to make any hard and fast rules about what I will /won’t eat or drink right now. I’m in the type of mood right now where making a hard rule means I’ll automatically rebel against it and feel deprived. Or even if I hold fast to the rule, I’ll just keep the letter of it and give up on paying attention to how I feel or what I actually want. Which means it won’t last past one day of determination. The next day I’ll need to screw my courage to the sticking point all over again and eventually exhaustion or stress or boredom will win out, and I’ll indulge in the thing I’ve been forbidding myself because I “deserve” it and because I still fundamentally believe that it’s a fun nice thing that I enjoy.

G. often says that alcohol “does nothing for him”. The thing is I think that it probably does nothing for me either. I used to know that, but it’s like I’ve forgotten again.

Also, like eating bread. It does “nothing for me”. Worse, it makes me feel unwell and sluggish and often gives me pain in my stomach and a headache. But I think I’ve gotten used to feeling low-key unwell. That’s the normal, and it is unpleasant, so then my brain does this whole dance of saying “eat the salty fatty wheaty food to feel better and later on have some drinks too, to feel better”. And thus the cycle continues.

It doesn’t work to just know this rationally though. I need to change that fundamental belief that’s in me for some reason that these things make me feel good. And so I have to pay attention.

And today, this morning I have woken thinking “having a drink later won’t enhance my day”, but I bet at some point I’ll change my opinion on that. So I want to find out when and how that changes. Why? What triggers it? How am I feeling at the point of that change.

I noticed yesterday after eating some white rice that I felt sleepy. So I don’t want to eat too much white rice. But I also know that there is white rice in the fridge that needs to get used up before we go to Kerry. So something in me has shifted, from even the “will I /won’t I” question to just knowing I’m going to eat that rice. There’s my why in this case. Because it’s there.

I’ll do my best to pay attention though.